When I arrived at college I had major “potential friend” shock. After growing up in a small rural town I was now surround by hundreds of potential new friends. My shyness immediately kicked into high gear! How was I going to get to know people? However, I was determined to try to overcome my lack of confidence. So with lots of prayer (asking God for help) I jumped in with both feet! Some days were successful and I managed to ask good get-to-know-you questions and have genuine conversations. Other days were epic fails. (Like at orientation when I asked a Resident Director if he was one of the Freshman. Oops!) My ability to laugh off my faux pas seemed to grow daily! As cliché as it sounds, I definitely saw that the saying, “You have to be a friend before you get friends” really was true. People were too busy for me to wait for them to reach out to me. Finding out I wasn’t on the top of their priority list was disheartening to my ego; however, instead of feeling hurt, I needed to take responsibility and be the initiator in friendship. If people responded, great. If not, I moved on, and that was OK too. Thankfully by the time I graduated I felt like I had a pretty good handle on this new skill. Shyness overcome, check! Since college, I’ve continued honing this skill and have been super blessed by the meaningful relationships that continue to be the main support system in my life.
Now Nathan and I have entered another phase in building friendships because we’re in a new culture with new social norms and practices. It’s been interesting to see that some of these same principles still apply. At first, Germans can come across pretty brusk (and some actually are). However, when we’ve reached out in friendship, people have often reciprocated and wanted to get to know us. In this new context I’ve been very humbled by the generosity of the people we’re getting to know. They give generously of their time and especially their patience! Since my German language skills are pretty much on a toddler’s level, I’m difficult to communicate with. Native speakers have to (1) speak slowly and clearly so I can understand, (2) make an effort to decipher my bad accent and challenged grammar, and (3) try to remember their high school English when I can’t remember a German vocab word. It’s an effort to talk with me! Yet, both Nathan and I have experienced our new friends and neighbors’ patience and encouragement on a regular basis. Last week, we invited all the folks in our apartment building for “Coffee and Cake.” (It’s a traditional German get-to-know-you practice.) We had about 20 folks come and a great time was had by all. We ended up speaking various levels of “Denglish!” (Deutsch + English = Denglish). Nathan and I did our best in German and many of our neighbors would respond back, speaking slowly. When they said a word we didn’t know it was often a group effort to see who knew the English equivalent and people were shouting the answer across the room. Part of me wanted to be embarrassed at my lack of skill. On the other hand, if we’d been more fluent, I think we would have missed out on this bonding experience. We definitely wouldn’t have experienced the deep level of care, encouragement, and laughter our neighbors gave us. I decided if I needed to eat some humble pie along with my cake and coffee, it was well worth it.
Making friends doesn't just happen. It takes initiative -- even courage. I started learning that a long time ago. Now I'm realizing the humility I need to receive friendship. Without it, I can't experience the blessing of letting others reach out to me.